So I’m curious hearing about this full body yes. How does it play out in relationships? Like a moment happens, some interacting with my guy or even my friend, and they say something and my body clearly is not, whether it’s where we’re going or what we’re doing or deeper things, you know, about the relationship. Tell me about, how it plays out there, like do I speak it? Like do I say, “Hey! Hold on, I’m having a different experience in my body..”
Well, that’s actually what I would recommend because whole body yes and no is really supported by listening to and following your body wisdom and so it’s both a way to learn that and it is also a way to support building up what I call your body map. Your inner map, for example, I think one of the most important things in relationship is, “Do I want to be moving into unity or do I want to be moving into individuation?” So, “do I want to get closer right now or do I want to get separate?” And that’s probably the pulsation that most people override. So the whole body yes and the whole body no can be incredibly useful for finding your own signals, whether you’re wanting to be close because we have both of these urges in relationship. The urge to merge and the urge to individuate and it’s a dynamic dance, it’s not set in concrete. It’s really dynamic between the two of you whether you’re romantic partners or friends or colleagues, the same principle applies. And where people get into trouble is in overriding those signals. So, being close when you don’t want to or getting separate, using an argument, for example, to get separate rather than saying, “Oh, you know, my body is feeling kind of, I’m feeling that kind of irritation in my shoulders that just lets me know, <sighs>, I’m needing a little solo space. And it’s not about you, it’s really I’m, <heavy sigh> , I’m needing to just breathe my own air for a little bit.”
I’m noticing Katie, when I practice these tools that you’ve shared that it allows for a deeper layer of both nuance and expression like, “Oh! I noticed that I really want to be with you, but I don’t actually wanna do that thing right now” or “I want to do this, it’s not about you..” versus I think sometimes when you get in relationship or anything, it works like it’s all kind of just yes or no, like if I’m saying no to doing that thing and then that means all of these other things… And so, I’m just curious about maybe that idea on how you can use your body wisdom to help tune in to, “What is it that I really want? What are the things that might make this easier to say? It is not a no to you but it’s a no to this. I might wanna do that in an hour, but not right now” or you know, that kind of thing.
Yeah, great question Kate. Well, there are two things that occurred to me, one, is that fear gets in the way. So the fear, particularly the fear of saying no. So, if I say no it means, it means I don’t love you, it means I don’t care about you, it means I don’t think you’re important. We then read that into the situation rather than saying, “Here’s my experience, and I’m not quite clear, I can feel this like <waaaa>. Let me fill into that a little more and let me share with you what I am experiencing.” So, the signals combined with what we call speaking from discovery where I am actually just sharing what I am experiencing, especially when I am sharing it with someone who is interested, I then discover more of the nuances, more of the what’s actually occurring like, “Oh, I just realized that I didn’t have a very good time the last time we went there, and I realized it’s because I didn’t say what I really wanted to do so oh, now that I cleared that up, oh yes, I’d like to do this because I’d like to do something different than I did last time.” So it allows for unfolding and discovery and also the weaving of deeper connection rather than, “We’re gonna do this” or “We’re not gonna do this” or “I like you” or “I don’t like you”, that kind of polarity, and there’s so many nuances and discoveries along the whole continuum between yes or no. And the layers that you can keep discovering of how eloquent your body language is. When you just start tuning into that, it can really be a lifelong source of discoveries, not like I have my yes and I have my no like pushing a button, but it’s really a whole world where… because no is really about occupying your whole space, about filling yourself out to the edges, and yes is about going beyond your edges and going into the unknown and saying, “Oh, I want to experiment with something that I don’t know about.” So, those are some of the nuances but also the deepening that can happen in relationship by the foundation of yes and no and then by adding authenticity on top of that.
What strikes me as you’re talking Katie is this, the vocabulary you’re using, the communication of it because I find myself quite comfortable with like “That’s a yes”, “That’s a no”, that feels really familiar to me. What feels more slippery, I guess, would be and then, how do I like, are there some tips you can share, almost, like I’m hearing the way you speak does not talk about me, it talks about you. Like, I’m feeling this, and I’m wanting that, like I can’t really refute what you’re saying, it’s not about..right? Tell me more about that..
Well, that’s what we call speaking the inarguable truth…